The End Of Me

What is something that causes a lump in your throat?

C’mon… everyone has something-the death of a loved one, a vague childhood memory, a Sarah McLachlan commercial. What makes your eyes tear up, throat swell, and breath catch? Was it a moment in time frozen by the words someone said? Or is it a scene that plays out in your mind repeatedly, like a broken record?

Uganda.

That one simple word makes my breath catch, heart race, and throat swell every single time. It is not because the letters of the word hold any specific personal meaning, because they don’t. It is because of all of the memories and moments that place holds in my heart. The hurt, the healing, the pain, and the relief all come rushing to my mind.

I have spent a good deal of time in Africa, and each time back The Lord does a work in my heart like I am just setting foot on African soil for the first time. Each time I am reminded of the self-centered world I am surrounded by (myself included). Each time I ache to hold each child, solve each problem, heal each hurt, and surround each human being with the love of The Father.

But the sad reality is… I can’t.

I can’t single-handedly change the world; only Jesus can do that.

So what can I do?

What. Can. I. Do.

This question burdens me. It keeps me awake at night and shakes me to my very core. It makes me question everything I do and say, and whether everything is worth anything at all. And I think after my most recent visit to Uganda I know the answer.

I can be love.

I can hold hands and stroke backs during the pain of jigger removal. I can play soccer, push a swing, and make a craft with the children. I can tell Bible stories, lead a lesson, and answer questions. I can bandage wounds and dry tears. I can be present in the moments where words simply aren’t enough, and then I can get up again the next day and do it all over again.

If you are feeling that what you do doesn’t matter, please know that it does. God sees each effort and hears each prayer. And when the lump in your throat arises, when you feel the sting of the pain in this world, please know that He feels that too. Lean into Him and allow Him to comfort you.

I struggled with the right words to type for this blog post. They didn’t come easily to me like they normally do. I typed and deleted and typed and deleted some more. If my thoughts seem jumbled, they are.

But maybe that’s the point…to reach the end of me.